Sunday, February 17, 2013

Well, that escalated quickly.

Yes it did. Everything, actually. From the start until the end. Bottom line is that, here I am, again, dumped - in that certain point where I'm torn between calling you up and asking how your day was, and wishing that there was one way of trying to forget you and everything about you in just one instant. In other words, I'm in my hell hole again.

I miss you. I really do. I miss everything about you. Then again, I'm just missing the familiar. The familiar feeling of having you around for the past year or so. The familiar feeling of having you. That old familiar feeling. And I don't know what to do, yet.

Maybe, I'll just wait out. I'll wait out until it stings no more. Until I can recall with no hurt that it was you who dumped me and everything that we had that day.

In hindsight, I had it coming. We had it coming. We tried to fix it yes, but while I was there, believing that we were fixing things, you gave up on me and chose to break up with me.

It's sad, yes. It hurts even more, yes. However, that's just the way life goes. Maybe we weren't for each other, or maybe we were but only at the wrong time. Whatever the case may prove to be, I'll just have to take this all in my stride and keep moving forward.

**Apologies for the lack of coherence as this is mostly word vomit. Lols.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

**** you.

It's been three months now, three months since we started speaking again, three months since we started texting again, three months since we started seeing each other again, and three months since we started again. . .or so I thought. Truth be told it was my brand of miracle, hearing from you again on the eve of the first day of that competition I dearly hold, and our seemingly cheesy relapse into what we had years before, akin to some dude's resurrection. I threw all rationality out of the window, jumping wildly into that dark chasm with only the vague promise of having you again sustaining me. It fueled me, it empowered me, it gave me direction, and for the weeks that followed, I was fixated into that thought and that thought only.
Then again, I knew it was too good to be true. Soon enough, we were in that oddly familiar situation, with you dumping me and I trying to hold on. It ended badly, again. For the second time, you lead me on and left me hanging in the end. You can't even agree to have a final word and you even used almost exactly the same bullshit you said when you first dumped me. I was left speechless, I felt hurt, distraught and desperate even. I felt like I was the lowliest of all creatures, crawling on muck and shit on the deepest corners of this world. What made it worse was that I would know a few weeks later that what "we" "had" this time was built on lies. From the beginning, until the end, there was at least one instance where you lied, as I would only later know. And yeah, you're a pretty bad liar, and I was stupid enough to believe in you. . .again and it proved to be my final straw.
I fixed my resolve, I knew that looking back would only mean that I was being pathetic again, and that I only had one direction to move toward to: forward. I focused on that idea, even having it as a resolution for the new year, and it seems to have worked, in one way or another at the very least. Now, even as rumors of you have been reaching me, I feel nothing, I am indifferent. I am myself once again.